Thursday, December 26, 2013

Grief

I have come to detest Wednesday now.

It has been 6 Wednesdays since my husband died. He passed away suddenly on the morning of 13 November. We later found out, he had a heart attack. His actual cause of death as stated in his death certificate was "Cardiac temponade with coronary artery disease'.

Who knew death could be so tiring? I think the first few days I was just running on adrenaline. I was mostly in a daze. It was all so surreal. There were so many things to do, to settle, to organise, to care for, etc. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. Lucky my in laws were there to force me (lovingly) out of it.

But still, there are some things that I just do not have the heart to do it yet.

I only took a week off from work. I shouldn't have come back to work on a Wednesday because walking into my office, facing well meaning colleagues, and then knowing that he won't be picking me up in the evening... was hard. Driving myself home after work that day, I cried all the way. A few days later, slowly things got back to normal. I can never thank my bosses and colleagues enough for their support.

I come to realise that Mira and I haven't really grieve our losses. I think we're both coming to that stage now. With him gone, the only link I feel we have are through his side of the family. Ironic, because when he was alive, we hardly participate. But now as much as I can, I will try to get both of us involve. This somewhat triggered Mira's emotions.

Since we came back from attending his nephew's wedding last weekend, she has been missing her Ayah a lot. Before writing this entry, I just held her in my arms while she cried. I let her, because earlier in the day while she was still sleeping, I cried myself silly thinking about him, too. But how do you console a grieving child? I am at a lost myself. I hope I can sail through this smoothly, unscathed for both of us. Especially her.

Whenever I'm overcome with grief, I have to come out of it quickly because between us, she had it worse. I have known him for years, been through loads of the good and bad times. She's only 9, you know. I pity her having to lose a parent at such a young age. And she was very close to arwah, especially these last 6 to 8 months.

May Allah bestow his guidance to me to help her get through this, and give her the strength in this trying time.

Amin.


xoxo

Monday, January 21, 2013

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Welcome to a new week of 2013! I am happy to report, the last 2 have been good to us. At the start, I was worried how Mira, who has to go back to her usual school instead of the Dyslexic Centre, will cope with this new routine and not so new environment. I mean, she missed 6 months of Primary 2, and now has to jump into Primary 3.

Will she sink or swim through it?

I took a peep into her Math textbook and got terribly worried. They're going to start learning 10,000 number series and Mira can only count confidently from 1 to 20! But my girl is a champ, she just take it as it is -- one day at a time. Perhaps it also helped that she now can read better, kinda boost up her confidence a bit.

Her teachers seems to be more willing to help this year. Perhaps, it is because of the letters I distributed at the start of school. Perhaps, they went for some motivational course over the school holidays (heh heh). But they do appear more approachable, fun and involved this year.

And then, I worried if she'll be able to fit in or find her old friends since she hasn't seen them for a while. In my opinion, her social skills is not up to par with her peers. They appear to be more mature than her, thus I worry (you worrywart, you!). Again, she surprised me by being so nonchalant about it. She wasn't worried, went to school the first day like as if she's never left. Didn't appear to be scared or nervous, she just followed the prefect who helped her find her class and wave me off.

This year, they've a new class segregation system that some what made most of her former classmates placed into different class than her. No problem mommy, she made new friends.

In the car ride after school to her mengaji place, we usually discuss what happens in school that day. I'll ask her what she learns, if there's any letters/memos from her teachers, if she's any homework to do for the day, whom she has her meal with during recess, etc. Recently I found out that she has no qualm eating alone if her friends are doing things she do not want to do (I worry incessantly about this).

She surprised me ever so often with her independence and happy-go-lucky attitude. I suppose, she took after her momma ;-)



xoxo