Mixed Signals

This thing that we have between us now; sometimes I feel as if there's something more bubbling just underneath it's surface. I thought I'd be safe from that. I was very sure of it.

I thought I've read the signs right. I thought I knew you well enough to know it couldn't come to that. But now, I'm suddenly unsure of what I knew. I'm suddenly unsure about us. I'm suddenly unsure about you.

Because nobody can actually confirm or acknowledge what we supposedly know about you. It was just pure speculation on every one's part. Besides, you neither confirm nor deny it. Perhaps I just took if for granted because I crave your presence.

But now, you left me speculating about us. You left me to speculate my feelings about you. About me. I tried to ignore it, brushing it aside as something trite. However, certain things you did these past and recent weeks are making me doubt myself even more.

When I saw you last, I was shocked to discover how different I am seeing you now. You've just thrown me out of the loop and I am confused. And scared. Or am I just being my delusional self?

But nothing can come out of this, right? Nothing should. At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself...

To make matters worse, the one I'm trying to distance myself from is not making it any easier. Somehow, you are aware enough to feel it, to feel that I'm getting away from you day by day. And you're trying to pull all the stops by suddenly becoming more attentive to my needs and feelings.

I find that you're not playing fair. All these while I've been fighting, but you hardly care. You think I'm a pest, I know you do. And now after I've all but given up and I'm ready to let you go, you pull the thin string that tied me to you just to keep me closer.

You are making me feel more miserable and bitter by it, you know. The way I see it, this is just temporary. You are feeling threaten. Once I'm back to 'normal', once you feel confident I'm not going anywhere, you'll go on your merry way.

That's very selfish of you.

And where would that leave me? Back to square one, I suppose. However the question is, would I allow it?

xoxo

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