Wednesday, April 23, 2014

It's not right, but it's ok...

At first, the thought of travelling all the way just because you wanted me to be there was a pain in the arse. Especially when I already have a task to complete in the office. But the meet today was rewarding. And quite telling.

What I suspected has been confirmed. Inasmuch as my pride was a little hurt, I thank God for showing me this.

It is not right, but I'll be ok. I hope you find peace in your future endeavours.

My take away from this is I want to learn to emulate your poise and grace in handling an audience.


- That is all -

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

Hello there, my 2 patient readers. I am sorry for not blogging for so long #sorrynotsorry 

Since the death of my husband, I faced a lot of challenges and right now I have put myself in a path that I may or may not regret -- too soon to tell. But you gotta do what you gotta do and have faith in god. I couldn't and people shouldn't assumed that I can sort out my life in 5 days. It was difficult dealing with an entity without compassion, expecting you to go on as before when in reality you've just lost your right arm.

I have never felt so alone even though I have support from my family. I don't think it is right for me to burden them, especially my father, to take DH's place. My father is an old man, he should be resting and enjoying his retirement. My sister has her own family to care for, same goes to my in-laws. Don't get me wrong, they're ever willing to help. I just feel it's unfair to burden them with my crazy schedule.

My hope is that I will not have too much time on my hands. I wish to have some time off to sort my and Mira's life, but I hope it will not be for too long.

The other night, I read Nong's latest entry and I cried every time I thought about that song!

DH can be an ass sometime, but he was also very supportive. We've know each other for 25 years and married for 17 of it. He has supported me in everything (note the 'lost your right arm' up there) and especially last year, we were a team. And he's been taken away from us. Gone too soon, when Mira and I needed him still. But alas, god has other plans for all three of us.

I haven't visited his grave for more than a month now since we've busy weekends these past weeks. Mira misses him so much that she hasn't stopped talking about him since 2 weeks ago. Since his passing, we visit his grave at least once a month especially when I see that she's starting to miss him.

She'll teringat ayah dia whenever and wherever - dekat dapur (told me a story of how she wanted to help him cook but he won't allow takut kena minyak), dalam kereta (convos they had, his driving skills), dekat Jusco, bila ternampak baju ayah dia, when ada taekwondo, etc.

I thought this weekend would be a good time but I have my period pulak. Insyaallah we shall go next weekend.

As you may not have known, I have a spanking new computer -- a Mac Mini. I have been wanting a Mac for a while now but there wasn't a need yet, until now. It became apparent how long it was when I found, whilst clearing out my email, an old article that I kept about iMac G3. I'm not sure why I kept the link, though. LOL.

Until the next post,
xoxo


Thursday, December 26, 2013

Grief

I have come to detest Wednesday now.

It has been 6 Wednesdays since my husband died. He passed away suddenly on the morning of 13 November. We later found out, he had a heart attack. His actual cause of death as stated in his death certificate was "Cardiac temponade with coronary artery disease'.

Who knew death could be so tiring? I think the first few days I was just running on adrenaline. I was mostly in a daze. It was all so surreal. There were so many things to do, to settle, to organise, to care for, etc. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. Lucky my in laws were there to force me (lovingly) out of it.

But still, there are some things that I just do not have the heart to do it yet.

I only took a week off from work. I shouldn't have come back to work on a Wednesday because walking into my office, facing well meaning colleagues, and then knowing that he won't be picking me up in the evening... was hard. Driving myself home after work that day, I cried all the way. A few days later, slowly things got back to normal. I can never thank my bosses and colleagues enough for their support.

I come to realise that Mira and I haven't really grieve our losses. I think we're both coming to that stage now. With him gone, the only link I feel we have are through his side of the family. Ironic, because when he was alive, we hardly participate. But now as much as I can, I will try to get both of us involve. This somewhat triggered Mira's emotions.

Since we came back from attending his nephew's wedding last weekend, she has been missing her Ayah a lot. Before writing this entry, I just held her in my arms while she cried. I let her, because earlier in the day while she was still sleeping, I cried myself silly thinking about him, too. But how do you console a grieving child? I am at a lost myself. I hope I can sail through this smoothly, unscathed for both of us. Especially her.

Whenever I'm overcome with grief, I have to come out of it quickly because between us, she had it worse. I have known him for years, been through loads of the good and bad times. She's only 9, you know. I pity her having to lose a parent at such a young age. And she was very close to arwah, especially these last 6 to 8 months.

May Allah bestow his guidance to me to help her get through this, and give her the strength in this trying time.

Amin.


xoxo

Monday, January 21, 2013

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Welcome to a new week of 2013! I am happy to report, the last 2 have been good to us. At the start, I was worried how Mira, who has to go back to her usual school instead of the Dyslexic Centre, will cope with this new routine and not so new environment. I mean, she missed 6 months of Primary 2, and now has to jump into Primary 3.

Will she sink or swim through it?

I took a peep into her Math textbook and got terribly worried. They're going to start learning 10,000 number series and Mira can only count confidently from 1 to 20! But my girl is a champ, she just take it as it is -- one day at a time. Perhaps it also helped that she now can read better, kinda boost up her confidence a bit.

Her teachers seems to be more willing to help this year. Perhaps, it is because of the letters I distributed at the start of school. Perhaps, they went for some motivational course over the school holidays (heh heh). But they do appear more approachable, fun and involved this year.

And then, I worried if she'll be able to fit in or find her old friends since she hasn't seen them for a while. In my opinion, her social skills is not up to par with her peers. They appear to be more mature than her, thus I worry (you worrywart, you!). Again, she surprised me by being so nonchalant about it. She wasn't worried, went to school the first day like as if she's never left. Didn't appear to be scared or nervous, she just followed the prefect who helped her find her class and wave me off.

This year, they've a new class segregation system that some what made most of her former classmates placed into different class than her. No problem mommy, she made new friends.

In the car ride after school to her mengaji place, we usually discuss what happens in school that day. I'll ask her what she learns, if there's any letters/memos from her teachers, if she's any homework to do for the day, whom she has her meal with during recess, etc. Recently I found out that she has no qualm eating alone if her friends are doing things she do not want to do (I worry incessantly about this).

She surprised me ever so often with her independence and happy-go-lucky attitude. I suppose, she took after her momma ;-)



xoxo

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

What will you do for RM35,000?

Pangkor Day 2 (yesterday)

My day ended late. Neither of us officially celebrates Christmas but we get excited about it. So we had our own gift exchange session on the eve that lasts until midnight.

The day started rather early, too. Woke up at 7AM, got ready and had breakfast at Warong Mansur. Must have nasi lemak with 'telur goyang'. It was awh-sum!

After breakfast we headed out to the beach. C took us to her 'secret' beach but we later discovered it has become not so secret any more. Lol.

There were many people with orange vests on the side she we wanted to take us. So we made do with this small cove just before it. Which was perfect! It's like we have a small private pool.

In order to get to the cove, we had to track up a trail from the temple. It took some 15-20 minutes to get to it but it was worth it. Or, you could just hire a small boat.

We just soaked ourselves for hours, utter bliss I tell you!

At about noon, maybe, we tracked back out to have lunch at the same warong. Lunchtime must have? Mee Bandung!

Back to hotel to shower a bit and back out to the beach. This time, just at the main beach. We thought of getting some hawker food for dinner that night.

There was a crowd that night, it felt pretty festive. After dinner we had a chat with the owner of the resort. Had a good laugh planning what we'd do if someone offered to rent a room for RM35k.

It was indeed a merry night :-)

xoxo