Monday, October 4, 2010

Writes injuries in sand, kindnesses in marble.

Statement-statement yang tak masuk akal:

  • Sebab you punya perangai yang suka memalukan orang dan hati busuk la hidup you jadi macam ni! You tak fikir ke?
  • Kenapa pulak I kena beritahu you semua? Suka hati I la nak bagi you atau tak. 
  • Kenapa I tak boleh tahu pulak? Mana adil kalau semua I yang kena! Kan dah kata tahun ni giliran you settle kan benda tu.
  • Oh, time I tolong you dulu, you tak kira? Kenapa suka ungkit pasal I pulak sekarang.


I rest my case. You are unrepentant and delusional. You don't even understand. If people (meaning: from your camp) think I'm the bitch, well... frankly, I don't give a damn. I am the one who had to go through it, not them. I'm the one who live in it, not them.

It's not like I never tried. I've tried so many times; to the point where threats and promises become worthless.

No point arguing and trying to save things now, because it can't be saved anymore. I don't want this. I think I've repeatedly say it for the past 3 years. I remembered at the eve of the year I turn 35, I said I want to move forward. I want things to change for the better. It is frightening to see how time just flies and nothing changes. Nothing!

Well, there were glimpses of sun, but just as soon the clouds will turn gray and rain started to fall. Again. I'm always given false hope.

I admit, I was scared before. Going it by myself, knowing I'm not that stable to stand on my own yet. So I relented. I gave in. Once. Twice. And so on. But you know what? I'm done. Now, I have a plan and I plan to see it through.

I also realized I cannot even depend on you to help me. I will always have to look for outside help. But I am expected to help you all the time, all the way. Even though I have no means of helping you myself, it'll still be something I have to deal with. It's like as if it is my responsibility to clean up the mess no matter what, no matter how.

But when it comes to me, you'll just shrug your shoulders and be on your merry way. You don't even bother to ask if I'm ok or how am I coping. WTF.

In retrospect, I shouldn't be surprise. Deep down I know you're capable of not caring. The one incident I can never forget until now was that year when we fell ill and you're hardly there for us. I want to say how bizarre it was, and then I remembered it has always been the case. You just never care enough.

So now, we come to this point again, where I decide to move on and never look back. I don't know how other people can do this so easily -- it can never be the case for me no matter how many times I tried. Jangan harap la dia nak bagi. I guess, why let go of your lifesaver when you can depend on it so much, eh? And I'm not even talking about me.

Please self, you need to be resolute about it this time! We need to get out from under. Leave the baggage outside the door, move on and be happy. It shouldn't be too hard, right? RIGHT??

xoxo